Bad News For Drill Sergeants

IS BED SCRUNCHIE BAD NEWS FOR DRILL SERGEANTS?

Although we love Bed Scrunchie, we must admit it is going to wreak havoc with military discipline.

Bed inspection in boot camp is a time-honored tradition in the Army, and there have been countless Hollywood movies that show a stern drill sergeant inspecting a row of beds in a barracks, with the privates standing at attention. The sergeant will sometimes stop at a particular bed and flip a quarter on it, to see if it bounces or lays flat. If it lays flat it means the sheets are not tucked in tightly.

“Remake this bed, on the double,” the sergeant will bark, and the private has to tear the bed down and remake it while everyone watches.

These days, a private could avoid that situation with a Bed Scrunchie. You can call Bed Scrunchies a lot of things — fitted sheet straps, sheet grippers, bed sheet straps, even sheet suspenders — but the bottom line is, these things are going to put a lot of drill sergeants out of business, because they take all the guesswork out of making a bed.

Bed Scrunchies operate on a simple principle — that sheets need something to hold them in place, or they just won’t stay where they’re supposed to. The Bed Scrunchie uses a system of clips and an elastic band to stretch and hold a bed sheet firmly in place. It clips to the edges of your sheet and slides under your mattress effortlessly, to give a tight, flawless hotel bed look and precise military corners. Once you have the Bed Scrunchie in place and adjusted for the size of your bed, you’ll never again need to lift the mattress in order to tuck in the sheets.

This is revolutionary, and will be appreciated not just by hapless privates in boot camp, but by anyone who likes sleeping in a bed with neatly tucked sheets and happens to share that bed with a wild animal.

Not a real wild animal, of course, but you know the type: a person whose body never quite shuts down during the sleep cycle, and who consequently throws arms, legs, and torso about with wild abandon. This of course means that the sheets quickly become wadded up at the foot of the bed, or in extreme cases they end up on the floor, leaving the sleep partner curled up in a fetal position and shivering throughout the night. Some parents will recognize this Sheet Destroyer in their own children, who crawl into bed with them in the middle of the night and quickly wreak havoc because of their restlessness.

With the Bed Scrunchie that horrific scenario will never come true. No matter how much a Sleep Destroyer rolls or thrashes around in the bed, the sheets will stay tucked in just like they were at the beginning of the night.

The Bed Scrunchie is also a lifesaver for another modern problem in bedrooms — the shrinking of sheets in the dryer. No matter how well sheets fit a bed when they’re first bought, the reality is that as they go through numerous laundry cycles they shrink, and eventually they can’t be easily tucked in. The Bed Scrunchie acts as a sheet extender, stretching the sheets just enough to make them fit the mattress again.

Is the Bed Scrunchie guaranteed to work at all times? Well, there are hypothetical situations where it may falter under the strain of, let’s say a particularly vigorous session of the horizontal mambo involving two people. Our crack team of scientists tells us that in most situations, however, no matter how long the Love Marathon lasts, the Bed Scrunchie will hold firm. Our scientists worked day and night testing this, and we have to say they always had a smile on their faces when they came out of the lab. 

Of course, we can’t guarantee the Bed Scrunchie’s effectiveness if there are more than two people involved a session between the sheets. We just don’t know if Bed Scrunchie will hold up under the strain of an orgy -- but you’re welcome to test that yourself and send the results to us!

But for all other situations, Bed Scrunchie is just the ticket. Bed Scrunchie takes five minutes to install and then you’re set forever. 

There are some other products on the market that claim to do the same thing as Bed Scrunchie, but they use bulky clips and elastic bands that don’t stay in place, and we wouldn’t recommend them to our worst enemies, let alone our in-laws. Our scientists tell us these other products are just not up to our demanding standards. 

Just so you know, Bed Scrunchie’s team of crack bed sheet researchers spent thousands of hours in our sleep laboratory at a hidden location testing hundreds of fastening systems on various sizes of sheets and mattresses, and they came up with this impeccable design. It’s even been recognized for its merit by several private space companies, and whenever the first Moon base is set up, you can be sure the Bed Scrunchie will be there to hold the sheets in place on the beds, even in an almost weightless environment! Our scientists are blushing as we write this, but what the heck — we’re proud of them.

Seriously, we tested Bed Scrunchie on a 70 pound mattress just to make sure it would hold, and it withstood the test. But that’s not all — for the final test, we called in Mrs. Benson’s first grade class from PS 810 in Hinkletown, PA and asked them to practice jumping jacks for fifteen minutes straight on a mattress that was fitted with the Bed Scrunchie. 

Did the sheets come loose, bunch up, or otherwise get mussed? Nope! The Bed Scrunchie passed the test with flying colors.

We can therefore say with complete confidence that the Bed Scrunchie is the perfect solution to the problem of keeping sheets in place with military precision. 

In fact, we are considering contacting the US Army at this very moment, because we feel the Bed Scrunchie will be a perfect addition to boot camp. 

It’s true that the Bed Scrunchie will give drill sergeants fewer opportunities to humiliate new recruits for their sloppy bed-making skills, but this could actually be a good thing, because it will improve the morale of the new recruits, and make them start off their day with a smile on their faces instead of a feeling of despair brought on from the public dressing down by their superior officers.

We think the Army could benefit from some positive reinforcement for the new recruits, and the Bed Scrunchie is just the product that can deliver it.